Why High Achievers Can Be Great at Functioning and Terrible at Feeling

I get it. You’re good at Getting. Shit. Done. 

So what’s the problem? Maybe you don’t see one. I bet there were times in your life when you needed that grit to help you survive. This high-achieving part of you probably helped you appease overly critical parents, coaches, and teachers, or enabled you to overcome your difficult circumstances to be the success you are today. 

When does this part of you ever take a break? And what happens when it does? Too much Netflix, gaming, or alcohol and drugs? Oversleeping, overeating, or over-isolating? 

There are a lot of different parts that make up a whole person. We have a part of ourselves that comes out at work to make us productive and to prevent criticism. We have a part of ourselves that makes us more fun and approachable at parties. We have a part of ourselves that surfaces in conflicts with our significant other to smooth things over, or to make damn sure we don’t get the short end of the stick. We also have a part of ourselves that helps us power down when we’ve been pushing ourselves too hard. 

This is the complexity of the human experience. And this is the hard thing for us to accept:

None of these parts, no matter how bothersome, are bad. 

In fact, that’s the title of Richard Schwartz’s book, No Bad Parts. Richard Schwartz’s theory is that we have an entire internal family of different parts of ourselves living inside of us (Internal Family Systems, or “IFS”). No Bad Parts is one of my favorite recommendations to give to clients because it takes you on a deep dive into your internal world, while also being very approachable and easy to understand. Read it slowly…

IFS has names for different types of internal parts. We have our Managers: the parts of ourselves that critique, challenge, work, perfect, strive. These Manager parts, even your inner critic, want us to be respected (successful, independent, likable, etc.). Next, our Firefighters: the parts of ourselves that put out the “fires.” In other words, when emotions get too big, they have strategies to help us regulate as quickly as possible. This could look like getting drunk, playing video games all weekend, feeling numb, or withdrawing from your loved ones. 

For those of us who have badass Managers, we also have some pretty strong Firefighters to help balance the scales. We tend to appreciate our Managers and get frustrated with our Firefighters, but both are protectors of our Exiles (the more vulnerable and wounded parts). Yes. As misguided as they might be, Firefighters are also trying to protect us from pain in their own way. 

The more we try to ignore our parts, the louder they become. 

In other words, the more we hyper-channel our inner badass, the more intensely our inner bed-rotter takes us down. Telling our feelings to go away can make us more sensitive. Suppressing our anger can make us rageful or depressed. And invalidating our fears can increase our anxiety and even panic. 

Sound familiar? 

There’s nothing wrong with being a successful, high-achieving boss. The issue comes when we stop being able to choose which part of ourselves grabs the wheel and starts driving the bus.

Internal parts work can help us learn to work with all the different parts of ourselves instead of fighting against our own mind. It can help some of the misguided Firefighters understand their impact and grow and evolve. It can help us rediscover parts of ourselves that we thought were lost. And it can help us trust ourselves again.